The Unfilial Daughter

"Gee! You've been avoiding me haven't you?"
"No Ma, I haven't. I've been really busy." I mumble, embarrassed.The truth is I have been avoiding Mother.
"Too busy for your parents?" Did I just just hear that hint of a sinister tone in her voice? I'd better step up my game.
"Of course not, Ma! Perish the thought! I've just been swamped at work having to learn so much about the new position. So much to absorb! But I was going to call this weekend when I could dedicate more time to talking!"
"You always say that." Apparently I do. Oh God, I am praying, please don't let her use THAT word! Please!
"You know, Carol Lee's daughter calls her everyday. The most filial of daughters. No wonder Carol is so proud!"
Crap, crap, CRAP!!! Not only did she bring up Carol Lee's offspring who are, she would have me believe, perfection incarnated; the Chinese poster children, she also used THAT word!

Filial. A word firmly entrenched in the vocabulary of every Asian mother to ever walk this earth. Nothing trumps filial! It's meaning, according to the dictionary is: "of, relating to, or befitting a son or daughter. As in filial obedience" In Chinese Hokkien it is "Oo cheng". In Malay the word is "berbaktian". In Japanese it is "oyakoko". The one thing an Asian mother wants above all else is a filial offspring. Yes, to be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, a financier, all these are highly desirable for the boast-factor, but to be filial tops it all.

Take Carol Lee's youngest daughter Masie. Masie Lee, a 35 years old Harvard graduate is an in-house consultant to one of the biggest financial firms in the world. For her job Masie travels regularly between London, New York and Hong Kong and owns homes in each of the cities. Carol(and Carol's maid) go along twice a year for an all expense paid trip so Masie can spend time with her mother. She dotes on Carol if my mother is to be believed. Then there's Anabelle, Maisie's older sister; she read law in Oxford, earned herself a first (class degree) and is now one of the foremost solicitors in London. She is happily married to a successful Dermatologist in private practice and their 4 beautiful children are all on their way to becoming clones of their perfect parents. Annabelle and the grandkids visit Carol in San Francisco 3 times a year, again according to mother. And we have Daniel, Carol Lee's middle child. He's a physician and a Commander in the Navy, a decorated war hero and a published author. His homeport is San Diego and he visits his mother every opportunity he has. Carol Lee has it all! Beautiful, successful children and every one of them filial. Are you ready to puke yet, dearest reader? If you are, join me. I have a spare bucket!

There's no comparison. No wonder my mother feels cheated with her lot. Two average daughters leading average lives halfway round the world and visiting once every year or two. And to add insult to injury, I, her eldest, staunchly refuses to have children. How much more unfilial can I get? It is a sore subject with my mother, a source of embarrassment and frustration when each of her friends call to announce their daughter or daughter-in-law just popped out another bundle of joy. These women are popping out kids with alarming regularity. Rather viciously, I think of that tennis ball machine my Uncle S.K. a professional tennis player, uses for practice. Pop, thwack! Pop, thwack!. Pop, thwack, ad infinitum. With each new pop there follows a thwack. The tennis racket hitting that ball symbolizes another nail I hammer into my long suffering mother's heart. Cruel, cruel, unfilial daughter that I am. What had she done to deserve this?! My sister, albeit unintentionally, finally took pity on mother and produced the longed for grandson (yes! Sis was very clever. She had a boy and boys are prized in Chinese culture!), And just like that, I have become forever indebted to my sister!

My childless state is not my only failure. Alas, I have not quite reached the depths of my unfilialness. Which brings me full circle; right back to the call (remember, the call from mother that started this ramble). Carol Lee's daughter calls everyday. Allegedly. I don't. My utter lack of concern for my parents and their well being was pretty obvious by the infrequency of my calls. I can't deny this particular failing. I am guilty as charged. I can hear my gentle readers thinking to themselves, "why not just give her a quick call everyday? Your filial status will improve and that can't be a bad thing?" Yes, I know this. But I can't bring myself to do it. "Why?" my gentle readers ask. "Perhaps you are a trifle unfilial after all." they admonish. Yes perhaps I am. See, much as I love talking to my mother, I really don't want to hear about the likes of Carol Lee, her perfectly filial offspring and their fertility status. I have enough self esteem issues, I don't need any more. And the irony? It is their absolute filialness that is making me unfilial.

But back to the conversation. "Yes Ma. I know Annabelle and Masie call everyday They're doing so well, I hear. Mrs Lee is very blessed."
My mother sniffs dismissively. "Daniel is anyway." she says. And with those three words, my interest is peaked, my attention captured; trapped! I am listening attentively now. "The girls?" I urge her.
"Well" she says and her voice takes on the conspiratorial tone, "Annabelle and Philip are heading for a divorce. Ann calls Carol everyday (Aha! Annabelle is the culprit!) and Carol is beside herself. You know how this will look, a divorce in that family! Hah! It's unheard of. But Carol says, Ann is being so stubborn. What do you expect from a lawyer? They're always so hard headed and can never see it from another's point of view. Poor Carol! And as if that wasn't enough, Masie! Masie!"
"What about Masie?" I ask breathlessly. This keeps getting better!
"She's pregnant!"
"Oooh, Carol must be thrilled" I say cautiously. I sense another pop and thwack moment soon!
"Thrilled? THRILLED?? Have you gone mad, darling?! She's not married!!! The shame this will bring on the family!"
"Oh my!" I say.
"Yes, I am lost for words too!" says Mother as she gushes on, "And that's not all. That stupid, selfish girl refuses to name the baby's father! How could she do this to Carol?!"
"Oh Ma, that's too bad." I say. No pop and thwack! Not this time! A reprieve!!!
"Yes, yes it is. I thank God everyday for my two sensible daughters and their wonderful husbands and my perfect grandson!" she tells me. "I am a very lucky woman aren't I? Such filial children!"

Absolutely Ma!, Sis and I are such filial children! Well for now anyway.